I am pleased to introduce a new guest blogger here on the EvenHand website: Matt Jansky. Matt lives in Los Angeles and has a unique take on the joys of the holiday season:

Holly Happidays
by Matthew Jansky

Well, you may be wondering how we got through the Christmas season so easily, and the answer is clear: Avoiding mental confusion brought about by stress! It’s so easy, I’m surprised I think of it years ago didn’t!

Now, I know what many of you are thinking: “Hey, Matt– Wake up! Christmas was in October!” But my thinking is, better early than ever… part of the reason everything is going so smoothly here. We started off the 2004 holiday season like most people– by doing our 2003 taxes! Again, I would recommend this for everyone: COMBINE the tax and holiday seasons, so you can do all your work at once when you have much less time. Also, by blending and mixing different kinds of stress, it produces new feelings of panic and paranoia that are a blissful relief from the stale, old, 20th century neurotic emotions. If you’re lucky, you can achieve a state of skull-shattering rage and frustration where you feel like you’re a robot that runs on solar batteries that only work at noon so you have to constantly run around the world and keep the sun directly over your head.

Now that the presents are all piled on top of the tree, and Santa’s swinging from the yardarm, there are a few things that always get lost in the shuffle. For example: What do I do about getting my house to the vet? I’m getting those early warning signs that he needs a checkup– water in places it shouldn’t be, rooms that are very cold and dark that I’ve been afraid to go into and can’t remember what they’re for, no place to go to the bathroom. I know I must have done this last year. How did I get the harness on the house, and get it into my car? Come to think of it, the house probably needs to be walked. I don’t think it’s been outside for a very long time.

I’ve also been unable to find any of tax documents for the dogs. How far back should I look? As long as we’ve held our mortgage on them, right? I think we refinanced the poodle in about ’03, but the paperwork is in one of the rooms I’m scared to go into.

FLIES:

Well, the temperature has swung madly from about 38 degrees two nights ago to 85 degrees today, and you know what that means– a visit from our Friendly Holiday Flies! Yes, it wouldn’t be Christmas without LOTS and LOTS of FLIES, would it? Where do they all come from? It’s like magic!

Anyway, gotta run, doing VERY VERY VERY VERY well here, couldn’t be better, tip top!

Best,

Thing

I

Copyright © 2004 Matthew Jansky, All Rights Reserved – reprinted by permission

* * * * * * * * * *

As always, I am more than happy to do for other police departments what we did for San Antonio’s Bexar County widows and orphan’s fund, the 100 Club. We made a print available for two benefit screenings that raised more than $6000. If you want to discuss doing something similar for your department, shoot me an e-mail.

The EvenHand listing on the Internet Movie Database has accumulated some votes, but more are always welcome. If you have seen the film, please take a minute and register your vote there. Thanks to all who have left great reviews on the IMDb site! Here’s a link:

A SAFE AND HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON TO ALL!

– Joseph Pierson